Bryspace

2010-12-21T10:13:00.001-06:00

Is It Finally Over?

It was almost three years ago that I wrote probably the only honest and heartfelt post that this blog has ever seen. It's hard to believe most of what I wrote today. The way that I gushed about Brett, his contributions to the sport, his honesty in the face of adversity and his desire to do things the right way turned out to be a mirage. The way he lied, manipulated, harassed and victimized the rest of football nation over the past three seasons/retirements makes me wonder if the 16 years of goodwill was fake, too.

As a passionate fan of a team, you see lots of athletes come and go over the years. Some you remember, some you forget. Some become such a part of your experience that you feel like they are an unofficial member of your family. That's why this whole escapade continues to sting. Brett wasn't who he claimed to be. Like the politician who made promises to get into office, only to cave to special interests. Or the neighbor who invites you over for dinner with their family, only to berate you after the fact.

The point is that with this guy, what we were led to believe was not real.

It's too bad, because he could've rode off into the sunset three years ago and we average fans never would've known. We'd still think he was great. We'd still cheer for him.

Now he's just another guy who did it for himself. A sad caricature of a once great legend.

Last night, as Brett lay on the frozen turf with what looked like a shoulder injury and possible concussion, I was indifferent. Just another QB who took a hard hit and couldn't get up.

I don't know what Grandpa would've thought about all this, because it was never in the realm of possibility. That's probably the saddest part.

2010-12-09T19:59:00.003-06:00

Institute of Higher Learning

"Please tip, I've got $40,000 left in loans"

Having gone through 12 years of public schooling, followed by an additional 4 years of expensive classes at an institute of "higher learning", the following story makes me both happy and angry at the same time. Almost like my psyche chugged a Four Loko and threw up in the sock drawer.

It's all too common for colleges to exaggerate the weight that their degree carries in the real world. To prove that point, here's a little tale of deceit that really brings out the warm fuzzies.

Hey Yahoo! News, justify my rage:

According to a lawsuit filed in L.A. Superior Court, students [at the Los Angeles Film School and Los Angeles Recording School] pay $18,000 to $23,000 in tuition to receive 900 hours of instruction from an accredited school. The two schools, which offer students training in the technical aspects of content development, are said to maintain career development departments that manage “a curriculum designed to prepare students for the pursuit of internships and entry level employment.”

The plaintiffs claim, however, that they didn’t receive 900 hours of instruction and that the schools attained accreditation only after manipulating their job placement rates. Specifically, the schools are alleged to have offered students gift cards to Target and Best Buy if students signed self-employment forms and misrepresented sales clerk positions at Apple and Guitar Center stores as “creative positions.”

Less than a year after graduating college with a fairly stellar GPA, I worked at both a Starbucks Drive-through and Perkins Restaurant simultaneously in order to try and make ends meet. Despite the crappyness of that situation, I was considered a successful graduate. However, bringing out your "Tremendous Twelve" wasn't what I had in mind when I earned my degree. One day I stumbled into a job that pays well and provides great benefits. Despite my contentment, I really can't credit my degree for my career. The article above is referring specifically to fine-art schools, which is an extremely difficult career path. Those students typically face an uphill battle to gain employment. At the same time, I feel like there's a lesson for business students as well, because had I not pulled a Homer, I'd probably still be making sure your 'Grande Cinnamon Dolce Latte' comes to you 'extra hot'.

Moral of the story? Community College and Technical Degrees are A-OK.

...aaaaaaand it's posts like this that keep Bryspace from joining the list of alumni blogs at ol' NWC.

2010-12-02T18:17:00.000-06:00

El Comico Estupido

Four Loko is the drink that they are serving in hell.

2010-12-01T15:02:00.000-06:00

Weekly Picks Update

The Bryan v. Doug competition is starting to gain some clarity. After Doug tied it up at 4-4, I went on a three week run to take a commanding 7-4-1 lead. As previously stated, everything is coming up Bryspace. In case you are interested, and I don't know why you would be, here's this weeks picks:

Bryan Doug

12/2 8:20 ET At Philadephia -8.5 Houston PHI PHI
12/5 1:00 ET At Minnesota -6 Buffalo BUF BUF
12/5 1:00 ET At Miami -4.5 Cleveland CLE CLE
12/5 1:00 ET At Tennessee -2 Jacksonville JAX JAX
12/5 1:00 ET At Kansas City -8.5 Denver KC KC
12/5 1:00 ET At NY Giants -7 Washington WAS WAS
12/5 1:00 ET Chicago -3.5 At Detroit CHI CHI
12/5 1:00 ET At Green Bay -9.5 San Francisco SF GB
12/5 1:00 ET New Orleans -6.5 At Cincinnati NO NO
12/5 4:15 ET Atlanta -3 At Tampa Bay TB ATL
12/5 4:05 ET At San Diego -13 Oakland OAK OAK
12/5 4:15 ET At Seattle -6 Carolina SEA SEA
12/5 4:15 ET At Indianapolis -5.5 Dallas IND IND
12/5 4:15 ET St. Louis -3.5 At Arizona STL STL
12/5 8:20 ET At Baltimore -3 Pittsburgh BAL PIT

Monday Night Football Line
12/6 8:35 ET At New England -3.5 NY Jets NYJ NE

2010-11-30T19:22:00.000-06:00

It's A Comic Life, We're Living In It

Maybe these comics are getting old, maybe not. One thing I should probably confess is that I spend large chunks of my day putting swear words into these old comics, and when I'm not doing that I fill the gaps by watching Disney animated classics. It's like vacillating between being a six year old girl and a d-bag construction worker. Maybe that's why my therapist finds me so interesting. Gotta go, bitches! Beauty and the Beast!

2010-11-12T08:45:00.000-06:00

Week 10 NFL Picks (or) Beefcake Beatdown

Viking Football. Pants On The Ground.

For my ~~fans~~ parents who were wondering, here's the latest picks in the Bryan v. Doug NFL picks against the spread. Remember, the overall winner gets to beat the loser with a footlong Subway sub of their own choosing. There will be video, of course. Last week, Doug hit the final three games to win the week and tie up the competition, 4-4-1.

One final thought; while it'd be very easy for me to lambast the gentleman above for disregarding sus pantelones after the most recent Minnesota game, the poor guy is probably the team blogger who was unfortunately caught on camera. This is somewhat of a "pants-less" hobby if you catch my drift.

Picks after the jump

1...

2...

3...

JUMP!

Bryan Doug
11/11 8:20 ET At Atlanta -1 Baltimore ATL ATL
11/14 1:00 ET At Indianapolis -7 Cincinnati IND IND
11/14 1:00 ET At Jacksonville -1.5 Houston HOU HOU
11/14 1:00 ET Tennessee -1 At Miami MIA MIA
11/14 1:00 ET Minnesota -1 At Chicago CHI MN
11/14 1:00 ET At Buffalo -3 Detroit BUF DET
11/14 1:00 ET NY Jets -3 At Cleveland NYJ NYJ
11/14 1:00 ET At Tampa Bay -6.5 Carolina TB TB
11/14 4:05 ET Kansas City -1 At Denver DEN KC
11/14 4:15 ET At San Francisco -6 St. Louis STL STL
11/14 4:15 ET At Arizona -3 Seattle ARI ARI
11/14 4:15 ET At NY Giants -14 Dallas NYG NYG
11/14 8:20 ET At Pittsburgh -4.5 New England NE NE

Monday Night Football Line
11/15 8:35 ET Philadelphia -3 At Washington PHI PHI

2010-11-11T09:00:00.000-06:00

More Fun With Comics

2010-11-08T08:06:00.000-06:00

Hooray Comics

This is uber-addicting. Hope you like it, cause a good chunk of my weekend went into making tons of these things. It's a good creative outlet, keeping the mind engaged and focused on a constructive task as opposed to say... carbo loading.

2010-11-07T09:33:00.000-06:00

NFL Is Interesting

It felt right to leave the last panel unaltered

Welcome to week 9 of the NFL season. The drama, the suspense, the intrigue! It's as nerve wracking as trying to keep my girlfriend* from discovering my "secret second family".

In the highly anticipated race of Bryan v. Doug picking against the spread, yours truly jumped out to a respectable lead only to have my opponent come roaring back. Currently, I hold a 4-3-1 advantage over Doug. My secret? Ride Oakland each week, pick against Green Bay. You're welcome, grandma.

We did finally settle on a way to, uh..... settle this competition. The winner gets to beat the loser with a footlong Subway sub of their choosing. It's not an original idea and we completely ripped it off. Bill Simmons and Cousin Sal can have all the credit. However, since they only talked about it and never actually did it, either Doug or I will fulfill the promise. Super Bowl Sunday this year, whoever has the most wins will get to beat the other in the face/stomach/ribs/gonads with a footlong sub of their choosing. No meats, condiments or sauces are off limits. As far as I know, there will be video of this. So check back often! Or don't. Whatever. I'm not in charge of you, nor will I pander to your petty wants and needs.

* = Haha, no such thing.

2010-11-04T20:43:00.000-05:00

Everything Is Coming Up Bryspace

The thought occurred to me the other day, what with the Packers at 5-3 and in first place, and with the Vikings at 2-5 and tied for last place - life is about as good as it could be. Order is being restored before our very eyes! Everything is coming up Bryspace! While it's easy to assume that's a good thing, in reality it's a bit troublesome. Karma says things won't stay good forever, meaning that I could be headed for a disaster of epic proportions.

I'd better start wearing a cup.

2010-11-02T23:10:00.000-05:00

Punctuation Is For Posers

As a child I looked up to agent Ethan Hunt. He was a hero, with his geeky dork glasses and totally believable slight of hand magic. Thanks in large part to his divine influence, I've grown into a semi-awkward adult that wears fake glasses in public and openly practices card tricks (editors note: if you are a ~~single~~ ~~adult~~ female, phone lines are now officially open). Normally when a movie series I enjoy spawns sequel upon sequel I get excited about it, only to be let down by each successive installment blowing harder than the one that preceded it. True to form, none of the Mission:Impossible sequels have come close to the first. To make matters worse, the fourth movie is entitled Mission:Impossible Ghost Protocol. A title like that does nothing to subdue my left eyebrow from jumping a couple notches above the right one. Without going into great detail because its late and I'm ~~lazy~~ responsible, the punctuation is properly placed within the structure of the main title Mission:Impossible, however the secondary title Ghost Protocol merely creates a sense of confusion when they are placed side by side. Lets ~~play~~ ~~flush out~~ ~~poke and prod~~ explore this colon, shall we?

(actual title) Mission:Impossible Ghost Protocol

This title creates the illusion that there's a protocol

for ghosts, yet it's impossible to achieve.

(mod #1) Mission:Impossible: Ghost Protocol

Makes more sense to put the colon after Impossible,

but do two colons in one title=overkill?

(mod #2) Mission:Impossible Ghost: Protocol

This colon creates a natural pause, leaving

the moviegoer in a sense of wonder. What will

happen to Ethan Hunt? Is this a movie about

Pac-Man? Axis of evil, what?

The moral of the story is that crazy punctuation can really mess with your movie title. Isn't that right:Purple Rain?

2010-10-29T13:24:00.001-05:00

Happy Halloween From Bryspace

2010-10-28T18:34:00.000-05:00

David Crowder Band Is Good

Bryspace writers generally have a hard time with Christian music. It's nothing personal, we just don't like how a certain artist or trend becomes popular and like clockwork you can expect a Christian offshoot to sprout up as the "next big thing" a few months later. Wait, what? You're a dark sounding rock band with a female lead singer? Hooray for ~~Evanescence~~ Barlow Girl! Oh, you're a white rapper with a troubled past? Gotta love that ~~Eminem~~ KJ-52! You're a pop-punk emo group that goes out of its way to write clever lyrics? Of course it's ~~Fall Out Boy~~ Hawk Nelson! Rather than developing your own niche, the formula seems to be:

Take What People Already Like+Positive Christian Lyrics=$$$$$$$$$!!!

There are a few groups out there that Bryspace writers feel are a little more original than the norm. David Crowder Band is one of them. You could make the argument that DCB is merely the twisted love child of Dave Matthews Band and HelloGoodBye, and we'd have no good retort. Nonetheless, DCB has a uniqueness about them that makes it feel like a little more than a copy of something else already done.

That being said, enjoy the above video as it is fun, unique and interesting. We recommend upping the resolution and setting it to full screen. Apparently the entire thing was done in stop motion and used over 700,000 Lite Brite pegs. Yippee!!

2010-10-26T21:43:00.000-05:00

Not New. Still Entertaining.

This photo has been around for a few weeks now, so it's not exactly new. Obviously, the dude who took the picture also got nailed by Tiger Woods (ed. note: lolz!!!1!one!). However, the more entertaining part of the picture is cigar/mustache/turban dude in the crowd.

Quite possibly one of the more entertaining photobombs I have ever seen. Even better than the famous Taylor Swift/Daniel Craig shot from a while back.

You know it's been a slow couple of weeks if the only thing that inspires me to post again is an old picture of a bad golf swing.

In other news, last night I drank a whole bottle of wine. By myself. Didn't even throw it up. So if you tried to call me, I apologize for not answering but I'm sure there's no conceivable way I could've stopped the world from spinning long enough to find my phone. Maybe you should try again tonight?

2010-09-20T18:40:00.000-05:00

Family Weddings: The Greatest Adventure

Went to a family wedding this past weekend. Let me (the blogger) throw out some scenarios, and you (the reader) can guess which one ACTUALLY FREAKING HAPPENED:

1 - Hooked up with a bridesmaid only to discover she was 17

2 - Drank too much, threw up on dance floor

3 - Father of the bride attempted to start a fist fight with me

If you guessed #3, you're the big winner!

I am 100% serious when I say the father of the bride tried to fight me. He was ready to go. Thankfully, I've learned a lot from ~~karate instructors~~ opossums and was able to diffuse the situation by curling into a fetal position and going to my happy place.

In all seriousness, it was extremely scary and it's lucky that I was able to keep it from escalating. I would imagine that fighting a wedding guest, getting arrested and spending the night in jail would be a crappy way to remember your daughters wedding.

2010-09-16T19:56:00.000-05:00

Bryspace v. Doug (Week 2)

Last week Doug and I battled to a stalemate in our weekly NFL predictions, both tying up with a record of 7-8-1. Good thing we don't use our real moneys, lest we'd have lost, exclamation point!

We tried to disagree, but we feel about the same with most of these games. Only two are off, but we don't keep score by number of games correct but rather by the number of weeks won. Since we tied the first week, we're both 0-0-1.

This competition is no fools errand - there are big things at stake. Only thing is, we're not sure what the winner should get. Any suggestions?

Here's the picks:

Bryan's Pick Game Doug's Pick

KC Cleveland (-2) v Kansas City KC

BUF Green Bay (-13) v Buffalo GB

CIN Baltimore (-2) v Cincinnati BAL

TEN Tennessee (-5) v Pittsburgh TEN

PHI Philadelphia (-6) v Detroit PHI

DAL Dallas (-7.5) v Chicago DAL

CAR Carolina (-3.5) v Tampa Bay CAR

ATL Atlanta (-6.5) v Arizona ATL

MIA Minnesota (-5.5) v Miami MN

OAK Oakland (-3.5) v St. Louis OAK

DEN Denver (-3.5) v Seattle DEN

HOU Houston (-3) v Washington HOU

JAX San Diego (-7) v Jacksonville JAX

NE New England (-3) v NY Jets NE

IND Indianapolis (-5.5) v NY Giants IND

NO New Orleans (-5.5) v San Fran NO

2010-09-11T15:26:00.000-05:00

Otho Is Dead

"You read my mind..." Thanks, Otho

In a sad turn of events, Glenn Shaddix has passed away. To tell you the truth, I never took the time to learn his real name. His character in Tim Burton's 'Beetlejuice' (Otho) played a very influential role in my childhood. Basically, if you were acting like a know it all stooge around my posse you would be referred to as an "Otho" in honor of his character. My brother and I still reference his character to this very day.

A quick Google search told me a little more about his life. Glenn was a homosexual who grew up persecuted for his lifestyle. In an effort to be "cured", he underwent electro-shock therapy. They basically attempted to fry the gay out of him. Sounds like something Kate Gosselin would do. Woof. Seriously though, that's really messed up and I can't imagine why in the world someone would be subjected to torture like that. Glad to hear that he was able to rise above.

2010-09-08T14:13:00.000-05:00

Huttttttt... Hike

Thank Jeebus football season is back. Our Sunday afternoons have been devoid of any good action since last February. Except that weekend when your mom came to visit.

...

Nothing? Really? Fine.

Because of all the excitement on this end of your computer screen, Bryspace will share with you the results of the college buddies fantasy football draft. Without further ado Bryspace presents the future champion: Bryan's Icky Thump.

QB - Aaron Rodgers: After the keeper round I had this guy pegged at my #3 overall selection. However, the team before me at #2 surprised the world and took Reggie Wayne instead of Ray Rice, meaning that I had to choose between Rice and Rodgers. Since QB's get 6 pts per TD, I felt like I wouldn't get a shot at another elite QB on the wraparound. Thus, Rodgers was the pick. He's getting a lot of MVP buzz, and I'm banking on Aaron leading my team to glory.

RB - Micheal Turner: He had a rough year last year missing the second half of the season with an ankle sprain, but he's back to full strength. I kept him from my team last year, and I'm hoping he has a return to fantasy glory. Fun fact, since he joined the Falcons two years ago, he's averaging a touchdown per game.

RB - Matt Forte: As a rookie this guy was the steal of the draft and a surefire 1st round pick, but last year blew chunks and let down millions of Bears fans in the process. However, I'm banking on a much better season this year. Seeing as how I stole him in the 5th round, I feel like I will get plenty of value from him. Besides, the one thing that he does very well is catch passes. With Mike Martz calling the plays, Forte will have plenty of opportunities to showcase his wares. Just like your mom.

WR - Greg Jennings: My 2nd round pick. I knew beforehand I was taking a receiver. I feel like there is plenty of good runningback value later in the draft, but quality receivers are only found at the top of the draft. 1000+ yards and close to 10 TD's this year. You'll see. Plus I got the combo of Rodgers and Jennings together. Double bonus.

WR - Pierre Garcon: Peyton Mannings #2 target. This guy is the new Reggie Wayne. Had an up and down season, but really stepped it up in the playoffs. He might be the third option in the offense, but that just means lots of one on one opportunities. Like your mom, knowwhatiamtalkinabout?

TE - Jermichael Finley: I reached for him with a 3rd round pick. Especially since Antonio Gates was still available. But I knew that he wasn't lasting until the next round and I got a good feeling that he's top tight end in football this year. Fun fact, the first half of last year he was hurt and a role player. The second half of the year he had 40 some catches and over 500 yards to go along with 5 TD's. Project that over a whole season and I'll be getting wide receiver production from the tight end spot. Word out of camp this year is that this guy is can't be covered by anybody. Since Aaron Rodgers (My QB) is throwing 30 some TD's this season, the good majority of them are going to my top receiver (Greg Jennings) and my top tight end (Finley). I'm telling you, this is going to be great. Unless everything blows up in my face....

DEF - New York Jets: Didn't want to draft a defense (especially not this one even though they are the top ranked D as of right now), but my computer froze and the draft auto picked them for me. Last year these guys were the best, but defense is such a fluid fantasy position. Usually the top ranked team at the beginning of the year is not the top ranked team at the end.

K - David Buehler: This guy kicks for Dallas. Never heard of him before. Kickers suck in fantasy anyway.

Bench: Took a few risks, but overall a pretty solid bench. Edelman and Choice are the first guys to get cut in case a better option comes along. I was really happy with the Jackson selection, if he's traded he becomes a pro bowl player. And if something happens to Rodgers (knock on wood), I'll have a viable backup QB to step in once Roethlisburger comes back from his suspension. Again, went a little WR heavy because I want good options in case Garcon or Jennings fails to live up to the hype. I was hoping to have some better bench RB's, instead teh computer auto picked the Jets D. But I plan on picking up some new guys as injuries start to become part of the season.

WR - Jeremy Maclin

WR - Julian Edelman

WR - Vincent Jackson (in case he's traded - woot!)

WR - Mike Wallace

RB - Clinton Portis

RB - Kevin Smith

RB - Tashard Choice

QB - Ben Roethlisburger

Also, in case your interested (and in case you're still reading this for whatever reason), I'm competing against a buddy of mine this year in picking games against the spread. Here's my choices for week one:

Thursday Sept.9
NO (-6) over MIN
Sunday Sep.12
MIA (-3) over BUF
DET (+6.5) over CHI
OAK (+6) over TEN
CIN (+4.5) over NE
NYG (-7) over CAR
PIT (+2.5) over ATL
CLE (+3) over TB
DEN (+3) over JAC
IND (-2.5) over HOU (This is the craziest line of the week. Really? REALLY?!?!?!)
SF (-3) over SEA
GB (-3) over PHI
ARI (-4) over STL
DAL over WAS

Monday, Sept 13th
BAL (+2.5) over NYJ
KC (+4.5) over SD

Enjoy the game tomorrow. Football is FINALLY here.

2010-08-24T15:59:00.000-05:00

Coming Soon...

Now that summer is over, Bryspace is coming once again to a computer screen near you. Be prepared for all of the lame jokes and R-Pat pictures that you've come to expect ~~and love.~~ Starting with this one, Robert Cattinson.

2010-05-31T22:14:00.000-05:00

What A Mess

There aren't really any good reasons to buy gas from a BP station ever again.

2010-05-13T20:33:00.000-05:00

The First Pitch

Shawn Johnson recently threw out the first pitch for a Iowa Cubs game. Shawn is famous for winning Gold in the 2008 balance beam in China. She's also famous because I've encouraged my brother to ask her out sometime. It's not that far fetched, really. I've always been a really good matchmaker, and I think they'd have a lot in common. Mr. Ewok thinks so, too.

In case you couldn't tell, I'm LITERALLY the most mature person I know. Call me, ladies!

2010-04-28T22:33:00.000-05:00

Sup

"I'm often asked, 'Robert, what makes you so awesome?' I don't mean to sound vein, but when you're me it's hard to pinpoint just one thing, really. Have you seen me? Strong, masculine jaw. Dark serious eyes. You should probably know that I can also crack every knuckle on my right hand. Need proof? Just watch.

"Mmm, that feels good. You might be wondering what I'm doing right now. I'm at a city rec-league volleyball game. It's something I picked up a few years ago. Just for fun. K-Stew really enjoys ballin' it up, and I've been looking for a good way to stay in shape. Do you like our uniforms? Our colors are black and green, but I cut off the sleeves so you can't see the green. No one seems to mind though on account of how good this looks.

"Sorry about the pants. Someone just tried to de-pants me a few seconds ago. I guess it's my own fault for leaving the strings loose like that. I was just asking for trouble, really. Actually, this doesn't look too bad either. Hmm. Maybe I'll keep 'em like this, just for a couple of volleys."

2010-04-25T21:52:00.000-05:00

Violent Photo Dump

The rules are simple:

1 - Collect photo for posts

2 - Post using photos

That being said, there seem to be many more photos out there than posts. Thus we have the photo dump. Part 2.

I understand this doesn't substitute as an actual post, but rather just a way to keep the blog warm until the real posts pick back up.

Althought, some would argue that there never really have been any.

Robert Pattinson is Cold

This gentleman is the the most versatile actors of our generation. Whether it's eating lobster (see post below), breaking hearts or simply sucking the blood out of them - there is nothing he cannot do.

Tobias as Doctor Manhatten

He's no doctor... he's the world's first Analyzing Therapist. Or, Analrapist for short.

The Real Life 'Up' Kid

As a dude, this is one of the few movies that effectively brings out both my emotions.

Clarinet Kid

There isn't much more that can be said for this young hero.

2010-04-02T17:03:00.000-05:00

BREAKING NEWS: Bryspace Writers R Dorks

It was hard to pick which R Pat picture to use as a lead, it's going to be even harder to defeat my fantasy baseball team this year. At least that's what your mom said last night during your cousins soccer game. I showed her my team, and we both agree that it's impressive.

C - Matt Weiters: He's a upside pick, and I'm banking on 20+ Home Runs, a .300 average and anywhere from 10-15 'Matt Weiners' jokes.

1B - Prince Fielder: He's the big bopper in the lineup. Last year, he tried to break into the Dodgers locker room to start a fight, stealing my heart in the process. He's like a giant teddy bear, that will beat you.

2B - Ben Zobrist: Last year's out of nowhere surprise looks to build onto his resume with a stronger campaign. I'd say with a few more 'roids he can pull it off.

3B - Chris Davis: This is the weak spot in the lineup. He's got a lot of power, like your American-made car. Also like your car, he's probably going to be traded for something foreign.

SS - Jose Reyes/Yunel Escobar: This all depends on Reyes' health. He is recovering from hamstring/thyroid problems. And I'm an idiot for drafting him. No one knows anything about Escobar. He might be a shortstop. He might be an Gila Monster. It's a mystery.

OF - Matt Kemp: The 1st round pick. I was hoping for Evan Longoria, but he went to the other guy.

OF - Jacoby Ellsbury: I guess he's fast or something. Kinda a dumb name.

OF - Adam Lind: I was hoping to draft him, as he seemed to put up numbers every time I looked at the Toronto box scores last season. This, my friends - is how you win championships.

Util - Adrian Gonzalez: This was a value pick. He clubbed 40 HR's last year in San Diego, which is hard to do because most hitters are distracted by how nice the weather is. If he gets traded to Boston (most likely), he'll get closer to 90.

SP - Jon Lester: 1...

SP - Josh Johnson: 2...

SP - John Danks: 3...

SP - Jorge De La Rosa: ...4 starting pitchers that start with "J". Consistency is key.

SP - Ricky Nolasco: I'm hoping to trade him for another J pitcher. Johnny Cueto, perhaps? Just kidding, that guy blows.

RP - Trevor Hoffman - He turns 73 or something this year. That means his pickled arm is good for another 40 saves.

RP - David Aardsma - He was the first name on the alphabetical list.

RP - Rafael Soriano - Possibly one of the ninja turtles. Or not.

RP - Frank Francisco - Who the hell is still reading this?

I'm getting bored typing this, which means I can only imagine how bored you must be reading it. In times like these, it's best to quit while you're ahead. Or behind. Or whatever. Stop judging me, man. You're not exactly a perfect angel either.

2010-03-04T19:50:00.000-06:00

Lets Try That Again

Ok Go is the band that struck gold with their video for "Here It Goes Again". While the song is catchy, it was the video that really set it apart. More than 50,000,000 people have their treadmill video on Youtube, and it's one of the most watched videos in the history of the site. Ever since then, Ok Go has struggled to catch the same lightning in a bottle that made them famous in the first place. They've tried a number of quirky videos, and none of them really caught on the way the treadmills did.

This video is actually the second one they made for their latest song "This Too Shall Pass". The first one had something to do with a marching band, but the writers for this site (... me) universally agree that this video is much better.

The whole contraption is called a "Rude Goldberg" machine. I did a little research, and I guess ol' Rude was some sort of inventor who specialized in stuff just like this. This machine is only the third one I've ever seen. The first was Pee Wee's breakfast machine and the second was Mouse Trap. That game is really dumb. I spent hours setting it up as a kid, but never actually figured out how to play it. Maybe that's why I have a hard time making friends. Or maybe it's the B.O. Nah, can't be the B.O.? Right?

2010-02-12T07:03:00.000-06:00

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......

It's 7 on Friday morning, and I've been up way too early because my little dog has been hacking up a lung since about 4:00. If that's not enough to finally post again, then I don't know what is.

This is the kind of commercial we should've been treated to last Sunday during the Super Bowl. Don't know about you, but I felt a little bit of a letdown from the annual ad-fest that is the NFL championship game. The game was great, but the ads were a little lame. It was like everything that we saw had already been done before. Super Bowl Shuffle? The McDonalds shot contest? For a second, I forgot which decade I was in. It's like ad execs decided that all commercials should have multiple lives:

Step 1 - 1985 - Come up with a commercial

Step 2 - 2010 - Remake the commercial

Step 3 - 2011 - Remake the commercial with vampires. $$$$$$$$$$

We're currently on step 2. It will get worse.

2010-01-06T19:51:00.000-06:00

James Cameron's Writes Good Movie

Everyone is ripping Avatar, and I can't really understand why. Yes, the plot is predictable. Yes, there seems to be some kind of preachy parallel to our society today. Yes, Al Gore probably wet his pants watching it. I get it. That's fine that you think that way. But at least hear the counter argument.

The problem with most movies today is that you've seen it before. There seems to be a trend in Hollywood where they've decided that people won't give new things a chance. Like we're all a bunch of trained monkeys that will push a button for a treat. That's why we get all the superhero movies, movies based off toys from our childhood and celebrity A hooks up with ~~Sandra Bullock~~ ~~Jennifer Anniston~~ ~~Zooey Deschanel~~ celebrity B.

Needless to say, Avatar is the first movie I've seen in a long time that tried to something original, and it should be celebrated for that. There's nothing wrong with liking new things. Lets show 'em that we don't like seeing movies that we've seen before! Come on, guys! We can do it!

Seriously all joking aside, I liked it. I'd even see it twice.

2009-12-31T17:08:00.000-06:00

Photo Dump

editors note - if someone googles 'photo of someone taking a dump', they just might find their way to this page *giggles like a schoolgirl*

For me, writing isn't something that I really sit down to do. Rather, I see something that I think is ~~pretty effin' funny~~ interesting and find the motivation from deep within my being to finally put pen to paper. However, the recent thought process is that if the government is handing out billions of dollars to broke companies who don't do anything, All Killer...No Filler should have no problems suckling on the proverbial tit of Uncle Sam.

Thought process = Wrong. There's no bailout money coming our way, folks.

Back to the initial point, during the layoff of posts, All Killer...No Filler has collected a series of images that were deemed post worthy. Rather than actually post each one of them individually, here's a bunch of them with a little blurb about why it's awesome.

I dub thee, PHOTO DUMP!!1!one!

Professor Sharksworth

Personally, it's the monocle that does it for me.

Pride and Predator

Isn't that the same house from 'It's A Wonderful Life'?

Nick and Norah's Infinite Hit List

I like to imagine that the only thing preventing this movie from getting made was Michael Cera.

Puss and Books

I've read the first Twilight book. I'm man enough to own up to that fact. Perhaps that's why I can appreciate this photo for what it really is; a desperate cry for help.

UniCop

From Monet to Rembrandt, all great art is controversial.

2009-12-10T15:28:00.000-06:00

Lets Get Something Straight Here

Planning and cooking dinner is a difficult thing to do. It doesn't take long before you've gone through your entire menu and have to reshuffle again from the top. It's too cold to justify grilling, and going out is expensive. Maybe I'll just make some spaghetti.

2009-10-26T20:46:00.000-05:00

Table For One, Please

At the top of my internet browser I have all of my bookmarks listed. They are as follows: FoxSports fantasy football, ShoreBank, profootballtalk.com, The Milwaukee Journal Sentinal, Amazon and finally - Apple Pie Crust recipe. Some people believe that having an Apple Pie Crust recipe bookmarked is a little ~~unconventional~~ ~~effeminate~~ ~~metro~~ alternative for a guy in his mid 20's. However, it's a great recipe and the crust is flaky and delicious when I eat it, and you don't find that sort of thing every day.

Where was I going with this? Oh, yeah. Don't worry ladies, the Bry-Guy still bats for the home team. *pistol fingers* Call me!

2009-10-19T22:07:00.000-05:00

Vikings Fans = Livin' La Vida Loca

I have a girlfriend. She doesn't understand football. It doesn't make sense to her how the euphoria of a Green Bay win can be tempered by a Minnesota victory. If your team wins, that should be all that matters, right? So stop your pouting and lets go for a walk, mm kay pumpkin?

Part of being a Packers fan is hating the Vikings. And vice versa. Hence the above video, which contains bad words due to the intensity of the situation.

It's not just the Vikings that I can't stand, it's also their fans. Their cocky, no-holds-barred effort to throw dirt on you and your mom and everyone you ever cared about approach to football is infuriating. Granted, there are a few exceptions - but I'm a bitter old man so we won't be discussing them.

Of course, the typical Packers fan isn't immune from criticism. Generally speaking, we're not very cool -

Dude on the left: Aaron Rodgers is better than Favre anyway...

Come on man, that's the best you got? That's it? Those guys are standing at the other end of the bar MOCKING YOU TO YOUR FACE, and you play the Rodgers is better than Favre card? You know what would have been better? Anything. Literally anything. Such as...

"You know who else wears purple? Barney the Dinosaur. So screw you."

"Why don't you come over here and tell me what you really think?"

"Brad Childress looks like Mr. Noodle"

"Love Boat"

*pull out your cellphone* "Hey guys, L.A. is calling - aren't they still looking for a team?"

"*#*($ #? @(*#Y$$*#"

And of course, you could stick to the classic - the ol' one finger salute. If you can't remember which finger to use - just give them the thumbs up. I think they would get the point.

No, everythings fine. How are you?

2009-10-14T19:42:00.000-05:00

Deer Run

I like to have the TV on in the mornings while I'm getting ready for the day. It keeps me from doing something crazy, like going to work early.

Anyway, due to the lack of any relevant sporting events I switched from my usual Sportscenter to VH1's video block. Much to my dismay, Miley Cyrus was the first video that they showed. The silver lining is that due to VH1, I came across the above video of a deer running through a diner mashed up with Miley's 'Party In the USA'. For some reason, neither or these things are funny on their own - but put them together and it's really entertaining.

You see, Miley is just a small town girl trying to make it big in the world. She just wants to fit in and find her way, right? I bet that deer can really relate to that.

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2009-10-01T18:59:00.000-05:00

Like Butter, Ma

Don't let the picture fool you, this post is kinda depressing for everyone in America not named Ken Lewis:

The Bank of America (BAC, Fortune 500) chief executive officer said Wednesday he'll step aside at year-end after eight years at the helm. Based on the company's most recent proxy statement, he will have $53 million in pension benefits waiting for him when he leaves.

That should give him about $3.5 million a year in pension payouts for the rest of his life -- at a time when people who bought the stock when he took the reins in 2001 are underwater on their investments.

It must be nice being a CEO, where after only eight hard years of ~~sitting in a fancy office smoking expensive cigars while your twentysomething secretary/girlfriend on the side brings you scotch 3 times a day~~ work earns you 53 big ones.

If you were curious at all, my Bank of America stock dropped 4.2% today and has been on a steady decline for the past 3 weeks. At this rate, I'd be lucky to get a job cleaning the barnacles off of his big fancy yacht.

At least that dog looks tasty, no?

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2009-05-22T18:32:00.000-05:00

Lets Be 'Tools', Mmm K?

Application for becoming a children's television host 1972:

Name: ***** * *******

Birthday: **/**/****

Number of times you've smoked weed in the past 12 hours: **

Application for becoming a children's television host 2009:

Name:*** ***** ****

Birthday: **/**/****

Number of states where you're a registered sex offender: **

So if this guy's theology is correct God paid the price for my sins with donuts? Or was it pearls? Or is it that God uses donuts for money? It's so hard to find the true meaning in all this.

It's kinda hard to tell, but I think the main 'tool' is Ted Haggard.

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2009-05-08T17:20:00.000-05:00

Dear Brett

Come on, man... knock it off...

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

Thanks to jsonline.com/packers

2009-04-24T07:37:00.000-05:00

It's Actually About Me Playing The Piano

There's a magic three year window between the ages of 12 and 15 where we are treated to what Parry Gripp so eloquently refers to as a time when a youthful female can simply be a "Young Girl, Talking About Herself". It's a really catchy tune, as all Parry Gripp videos are. I recommend his other videos like "Chimpanzee Riding on a Segway", or "Shopping Penguin" or "Cat Flushing a Toilet". Anyway, I digress.

Kids sure have changed since I was one of them. When I was younger people had these things called diaries. They would write down their thoughts and feelings into this little book, and then keep said book in a safe place where no one could find it. Nowadays, all of that stuff ends up on the internet where everyone can see it.

Here's a pretend conversation that I made up between me and Creeper Chris.

Me: So, what do you think about these videos online?
Creeper Chris: This is a beautiful day. Only in America!

I also like to pretend that Creeper Chris gives me a Nestle Crunch bar before I leave. He always has the best candy!

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2009-04-08T22:58:00.000-05:00

Bananas for the win!

Here's a video. Watch it. Or don't. It's your life, man.

This is supposed to be a commercial to sell bananas in Japan. Instead of making me want to have a banana, it reminds me of when I was younger and had nightmares of my food attacking me. If I lived in Japan ~~I'd have lots of entertaining things to do all the time~~ I would have a hard time figuring out the kind of effect this commercial should have. Of course, Bryspace has long maintained that American advertisers should be looking at our Asian neighbors for inspiration.

One thing's for sure - he's not happy to see you, it's just the banana in his pocket!!1!!!

...

So it was a bad joke.

Come on people, we've got to try something!

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2009-04-06T13:55:00.001-05:00

... ... ...

I guess there's this other thing called, well... I don't really know what it's called. Anyway, today they've got a series of funny album covers. It's worth looking at.

I was all set to show the picture of the organist who has no hands, but then I came across the little ~~John~~ gem above.

This is the part of the post where there's a funny funny joke. Yet, there's nothing to say.

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2009-04-06T10:47:00.000-05:00

It's Fitting, Really

This other dude has this other blog where he makes artwork out of old TV shows. Most of them are pretty creepy. Especially the one about 'Saved By The Bell' or 'Family Matters'.

Check it out, if you want.

Always figured that Alf would be more roast beef, and less tuna. Yet, the kittens don't seem to care. If you were to re-arrange the letters in 'Alf', you would get LAF. Kinda like laugh. Makes sense, since 'Alf' was a comedy. Yet, this picture isn't all that funny.

Also not funny... lice.

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2009-04-04T18:21:00.000-05:00

Bryspace = Liespace

I don't like posting this any more than you like reading it. Makes me look like a fool. And if there's one thing I hate, it's ~~looking like a fool~~ looking like a fool.

But maybe... just maybe... there'll be more stuff here at some point. I'm kinda bored.

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-12-03T19:49:00.000-06:00

Bryspace Out

This is it. After 245 posts, we've reached the end of this voyage. The creative energy that this blog requires alongside my unnatural obsession with finding constructive ways to spend my time has left me with no time/energy/desire to go forward.

Here's an interview conducted by me, with me:

Q: Is Bryspace dead?

A: Yes.

Q: Why?

A: Like so many things that are simply hobbies, it became impossible to continue without some kind of funding. (Flash forward to :40... but watch the whole thing. Cause it's good, fool)

Q: Your alma-mater chose not to include Bryspace among it's list of alumni blogs, can you comment?

A: I'd like to say it was a shock, but I think we all know that Bryspace wouldn't have fit in next to theological poems, philosophical musings or stay at home moms. Bryspace is too raw. The NR (northwestern rejection, as it has come to be known), has nothing to do with this site shutting down.

Q: Will you ever write again?

A: Probably. There's a side project that I'll probably focus more on. Seriously.

Q: But what about another blog?

A: At this point, no. I'm burnt out. But you never know. I might pull a Brett and come back for more. Of course, just like Brett it wouldn't be here at Bryspace.

There you have it folks. Go read a book or something.

Smell Ya Later,

Bryan

2008-11-20T17:29:00.000-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, Prezident Kool

Bikers and skaters live in their own little world with misspelled words and no helmets. It doesn't make a lot of sense to those who aren't bikers or skaters. Yeah yeah, you can jump over a plywood ramp - or go up and down a hill. In reality, watching someone ride their bike around is just about as exciting as it sounds.

These guys are actually doing something cool. The amount of work this probably took to make is astounding.

If you're wondering how anything could possibly be better than this, then just wait until my new country album drops. Critics everywhere agree, "Tall, Dark and Redneck" will change the face of the Goat-Ropin forever! Yee-Haw!

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-11-17T21:06:00.000-06:00

Ain't No Half-Blood, Ma

Still kinda bummed that Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince won't come out until next summer. I wasn't quite sure why they would push it back, but then I read this article. What? You don't want to read? Ok, I'll spoon feed you the money quote:

Some outside the studio are already pointing out that moving Half-Blood will also stop next year’s profits from looking seriously underwhelming after the phenomenal success of The Dark Knight. “They don’t need the money this year anymore,” says a rival studio exec. “When a movie overperforms the way Dark Knight has, you really don’t need Harry Potter in the fall.”

Don't need Harry Potter in the fall? Listen, I need three things: food, water and ~~lots and lots of positive reinforcement~~ Harry Potter.

On an unrelated note, it'd be awesome if someone made a movie called 'Harry Potter and the Half Blood, Prince'.

Someone should get on that.

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

P.S. Thanks to filmdrunk.com

2008-11-14T15:49:00.000-06:00

You're Going Places...Man

Remember how in every Hannah ~~Montana~~ Barbara cartoon ever people would start running in place but they wouldn't move anywhere for about two seconds? That's pretty much exactly what you see above, except it's real life. It's a treadmill, except you actually move around and you're outside. In other words, subtract this thing and you're still doing the exact same thing... ... ... jogging.

Give these guys credit. They successfully designed a product that is 100% redundant in every way shape and form.

Other completely redundant items: bottled water vs. going to the faucet, canned oxygen vs. breathing, Maroon 5 vs. nothing.

Have you listened to that crap recently? Ugh...

If that treadmill had room for a giant rack of ribs a la Fred Flinstone, then they'd be in business.

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-11-03T15:33:00.000-06:00

Mail Bag

If you could fight anybody in the music industry, who would it be? Thanks.

Charlotte in Charlotte

That's a fair question, and I honestly pondered this for a lot longer than I thought I would. ~~Loyal readers~~ Readers know of my loathing of Rob Thomas and Michael McDonald. However, I don't think McDonald is worth the effort, and Rob Thomas recently endeared himself to me by appearing in this awesome clip. I'm going with a little bit of an upset here, mainly because you probably don't know about this guy yet. But you will. Call it a hunch, but I want in on the action before he gets huge. I would fight Dave Cook. And I'd win too. Sucka.

How do you feel about Ralph Nader's choice of a mascot for his 2008 presidential campaign?

Earick in Vermearllion

Go Buffalo Bills!!!

I'm having a hard time choosing between McCain and Obama tomorrow. If you ask me, it's like trying to pick between a Repooplican and a Democrap. Ah hahahaha!!!

US of A

Bryspace operates under a strict NCJ policy. No Caboose Jokes.

Just kidding. I thought it was kinda funny.

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-10-23T21:17:00.000-05:00

No Way! No Way!

It's safe to say I haven't exactly kept up with Lost like I should have. I think about it often, and wonder why I haven't rushed post-haste to catch up with a show that I genuinely enjoy. Apparently the last season or something is starting up soon? And I was told that this is the first preview for the upcoming season. I haven't watched it, and I never will. Unless of course I catch up with the series - then everything's A-O-K!

Seriously though, I hope this video is what it claims to be, and not something lame like some guy picking at his bellybutton lint in the mirror. Cause like, OMG! *wink* That's sooo disturbing! *wink wink* I would NEVER do that! *wink wink wink* Now if you'll excuuuse me, it's time to take off my sweater and do some felt fishin' in the ol' lint locker.

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-10-23T18:54:00.000-05:00

Wha-BAM!

Nothing really to add, just didn't want the previous picture appearing at the top of the screen. It was creeping out all 2 of my readers.

Next post will probably be a mailbag. Send your questions to eatin_dinner@yourhouse.mom - or just hit me up on facebook.

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-10-16T18:58:00.001-05:00

Poly-tickin' Time

In honor of ~~Saw V~~ the upcoming election, there's a creepy website dedicated to making sure young people know how to vote. At least that's what I think it's for. Ever since the accident, I can't read the English very good.

Declare Yourself is a national nonpartisan, nonprofit campaign to empower and encourage every eligible 18-year-old in America to register and vote in the presidential primaries and 2008 presidential election. Using the power of strategic media partnerships, celebrity spokespeople, the sports arena, and most importantly, mobile and Internet technology, Declare Yourself's campaign blankets the landscape of popular culture, as well as universities and high schools, with a simple, clear message: REGISTER and VOTE!

This entire voting thing looks like it hurts a lot. If these ad wizards aren't careful, people are going to get the wrong idea on election day. "Is this a costume party?" "Should I bring my cat?" "When do we bob for ballots?"

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-10-06T20:15:00.000-05:00

A-Rod's Face Is Dirty

This picture has been all over the internet today, and for good reason. This is $252 million dollar New York Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez, who was unable to find a napkin during a recent meal. So he did the next best thing - he reached into his pocket for a Benjamin to wipe his mug.

Maybe it is because I have no soul, but I'm not really all that upset about it. The guy needed a napkin, and he has a lot of money. When you need to wipe your face and don't have a napkin, you SHOULD use what you have an abundance of.

For instance, I have an abundance of muscle. That's why I'm able to save dough by washing clothes on my abs, eating off of my extra large biceps and ironing khaki pants with my face. Because it's so hot, you see. Call me, ladies! *giggle... tee hee*

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-10-01T20:11:00.000-05:00

Jabba Is Fancy Pants

One of the most incredible characters in all of the Star Wars films is Jabba the Hutt. He's this giant, drooling, 1/2 snake and 1/2 croissant creature that is some kind of organized crime lord. He lives in this lounge area where he has live music, free food and tons of women at his disposal.

I had more to say, but honestly the only point of this post is to make you notice the picture of Jabba lookin' all fabulous. Well La-Dee-Da! That's a nice hat there, Mr. Hutt. Did it come with a matching pair of shoes? Or the first season of Gossip Girl? Perhaps a small dog that could fit into a purse?

Hmm. Disregard the small dog comment.

Wuv you Brooksie!

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-09-30T19:45:00.000-05:00

Al Davis Is Scary

For the life of me, I'll never understand how in the world that ~~Freddy Krueger~~ Al Davis is allowed to own a professional football team. He's in the news today because after months of speculation, he fired his head coach Lane Kiffen (the dude who DOESN'T look like he would eat your flesh). Which means that he's now looking for a new head coach. Any takers? If Al Davis were to ever interview me for a job, I don't think I would know what to do.

"Am I supposed to give this guy my resume, or try and find a wooden stake shaped like a cross?"

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-09-23T18:52:00.000-05:00

Steven Seagal Will Pump You Up

Steven ~~Seagull~~ Seagal was once an actor. He may still be one, but since I make a point of never watching movies released straight to DVD he has become dead to me. Steven is not dead, however. Somehow a couple of years ago someone decided it'd be fun to put his face on an energy drink. What did he name it? Well, if the picture above didn't already give it away...

When Steven Seagal finished creating a drink that holds untold natural power, there was only one equivalent in nature - The Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt. Both mysterious and powerful, it's a symbol of the untold energy the earth has to offer- Such is Steven Seagals Lightning Bolt energy drink.

Taken from the Steven Seagal website. Seriously.

The real question, however, is how does this bad boy taste?

"We had office bets to get people to drink it. It tasted like the backside of a cat."
-Mat

"I consumed a whole can of Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt Asian Experience and survived, but just barely. I'll never be whole again. The taste is like prunes mixed with equal parts malice and lethargy. Its like a can of angry, malevolence that is too old to accomplish its full evil intent, and instead simmers in a dark cave of rotting fruit, planning its gruesome revenge."

-Erick

Seeing as how lightning has the potential to kill you, it was probably an appropriate name for the drink.

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-09-20T13:49:00.000-05:00

Look For Me!

If you get a chance, check out the Packers/Cowgirls game this Sunday night. A certain someone you might know will be in the crowd. It's me! I'll be in the crowd this Sunday night. I'll be the guy in the Packers jersey. Shouldn't be too hard to find me, kinda like trying to find Waldo. Curse you, Waldo! Why are you always hiding!?!?!?!? I bet dollars to donuts that Waldo went to the Milford Academy, where children are neither seen nor heard.

If you don't get that reference, you should watch more Arrested Development.

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-09-07T14:00:00.001-05:00

LIVE BLOG! Packers vs. Vikings

Check back here at 6:00 PM Monday night for a live blog documenting the highs and lows of the start to a new Packer season. It's like watching a real game with a real fan! Only further away, and more by yourself. Maybe you should get a dog?

2008-09-02T19:14:00.000-05:00

Arnold Punches Camel! California Punches Face?

If I were running for office in California, it wouldn't be hard to find video footage to make their current governor look bad. This clip from one of Arnold's earliest roles (Conan: The Barbarian) that shows a obviously intoxicated Conan punching a camel in the face.

Seriously though, running for office wouldn't be so hard to do. I would rely on my natural good looks and soothing voice to win over the hearts of America. All I'd have to do is give them a little smile, wink twice at the camera and mention 9-11 a bunch of times. Campaign managers everywhere agree, my face is a winner with the 70+ crowd. Thanks, grandma!

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-08-29T16:57:00.000-05:00

Can I Pick 'Em?

In an effort to find a date for homecoming. last year, I posted about who I would like to go with. I thought through a number of options including a British inmate and Olive Oil. But...at the top of my list was none other than Sarah Palin. Now she's all famous and stuff. Well, la-de-dah, your majesty! You won't go on a date with me, but you'll go out with McCain? How is he so much better than me? What's that? He's got a 4 year plan? Whatever could that be? Lemme guess, DON'T DIE?!? *giggles uncontrollably, then takes a shower, giggles some more*

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-08-18T19:42:00.000-05:00

What The... Don't Do It?!?

Seriously. There are a lot of quick ways to make a buck in this country. When I first saw this I thought that it had to be a joke. Turns out the joke was on me. Or rather, on your grandma. Sorry to say, I checked out the website and it's legit.

I once had this get rich quick scheme where I sold lemonade on a street corner. Whenever anyone actually drank the lemonade however, I lied and told them that I had spiked it with lemon flavored poison. Want the antidote? That'$ gonna co$t ya, baby.

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-08-13T19:33:00.000-05:00

The Sky Is Blue And All The Leaves Are Green

Now that the summer is over, bryspace will finally be worth checking again. Honestly, blogging was dead last on the list of priorities the past few months. It wasn't an intentional thing, but it happened. Now I'm glad that we can get back to OH MY GOSH MY DOG HAS BAD GAS. I was just here typing and she was sleeping right next to me and then... and then... well, lets just say it was "epic".

I'm not mad though, cause she's really cute and cuddly. And she's really soft and furry. And when she climbs up on your lap, all is right with the world. Is it love? Hard to say. Bryspace always figured that love was a temporary thing you just gotta suffer through. Kinda like hiccups, or Dane Cook.

All I know is the sun shines a little brighter when she walks into the room. She can turn a frown into a smile, and her little puppy kisses make everyone giggle with delight.

*Sigh*... oh wait.. Grr, Football!

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-07-04T09:51:00.000-05:00

Electric Mayhem!

Happy 4th of July, everyone. Let's take a moment to celebrate our Independence by listening to the Muppets, eating lots of food and watching others eat enough food to feed a small African country.

In other news, I'm in Chicago. It's pretty cool, but those pesky paparazzi just won't leave me alone! It's like, hey man... even though it's summer I'm not going to take my shirt off. You'll have to go somewhere else to find eye candy.

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-05-29T18:41:00.000-05:00

Best. Tattoo. Ever.

There are many levels of tattoos. You've got your conservative tattoo, usually hidden under clothing and only intended to be viewed by a select few. Then there's the visible, probably un-tasteful tattoo. And the third and final category are what's called 'Complete Abominations'. That's what you'll find in the above photo.

In case you were curious, it's some sort of Patrick Swayze/Centaur combination. More than likely, this mythical creature frolics amongst other figments of our imagination such as the Liger, Leopluradon and Yokotortoise.

When reached for comment, I said "Five bucks says this dude watches Nascar".

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-05-22T02:25:00.000-05:00

For Those Who Are Concerned...

Of course my fake review of IJ and the KOCS was wrong. I didn't see it beforehand. So everything I wrote was completely misleading and not true. Before you get all mad, please remember that it's not like I'm the first person to report stuff that's not factual.

However, I did just see it TONIGHT. And I won't tell you what happens. You'll have to see it for yourself. Now it's time to go to bed, and I'm really excited about that because only in my dreams can I be a true Pokemon master!

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-05-20T19:07:00.001-05:00

Jones'n For Summer Blockbusters

Summertime really is the best time for movie watching. Something about the heat and humidity always makes me want to grab a cold ~~soda~~ carbonated beverage and retreat to a dark room where I can curl into a cozy little ball and watch stuff blow up. Apparently, I'm not alone either. Many of you are excited about the upcoming movie season as well. (Editors note: The Rausch blog-o-sphere is currently offline, so my plan to link you back to Holli's movie club post won't work. But, if you're daring and/or like to drop the soap, you'll click on the link anyway).

Overall I give Kingdom of the Crystal Skull 3 out of 5 stars. Of course it has all of the action that you would want from a Lucas film, and the master storytelling of a Spielberg picture. The reason I didn't give it a higher rating was due primarily to the lack of consistency from the previous movies to this one. Everyone loves Indy because he's resourceful and uses his environment to his advantage. So why did they turn him into some kind of Die Hard? I can't imagine the Indy of old picking people off with sniper rifles... however...

...I really liked the fact that Karen Allen is back in the series, she was by far the best Indy girl (compared to the blonde girl from Temple, and Short Round in Last Crusade). It's really too bad that they end up killing off her character in the last scene. However, once she's dead Indy totally kills the Nazi boss with Karen Allen's necklace! That was the high point for me. It's also worth staying through the credits. Sean Connery stealing the Lost Arc from the storage bunker almost guarantees there will be a 5th Indy film in the near future. How cool is that?!?

In closing, it may not be the best movie I've ever seen, but it sure is worth seeing. So check it out!

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-05-17T09:07:00.001-05:00

Woah...

Just re-read the post I did last night while half asleep. Yikes.

2008-05-16T23:32:00.000-05:00

Good Call, Prince

We all know this doesn't really count as a post, but to try and head off some of the death threats and prunes that have been sent to me it is necessary to put words out into cyberspace. I've spent a lot of time thinking about the weather, and how it affects our daily lives. Now that it is finally getting warmer outside, the world smells a lot more interesting. Every time I go outside I feel kinda like a dog trying to find a scrap of food. Except I don't need to find food outside, thanks to my fridge. For our friends in third world countries, a fridge is like a giant herd of gazelle who conveniently drop dead in front of you whenever you get hungry. Or if you're Amish and don't approve of electricity, it's like a whole bunch of wait why are you reading this? You're totally cheating and will pay later.

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-05-02T14:42:00.000-05:00

About Time

Despite what you might think, life isn't all puppies and snowflakes. For instance, you can't have puppies without having lots and lots of poo. Conversely, you can't have snowflakes without having winter. See? Life isn't always great, and to prove it we have horses. Next to rye bread, I can't think of anything I dislike more than horses. They spend their days eating and farting, and before you know it there's stinky stinky #2 everywhere. Doesn't sound like a dream animal to me...

That's why t his blog I found today is awesome. I'm going to warn you, it's rated R. But it pretty much sums up my thoughts perfectly. In fact, the only real downside is that no one told me about it sooner...

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-04-28T21:11:00.000-05:00

Get Ready To Rook

John McCain is a Republican. He is from Arizona. He always looks like he's trying to pass a kidney stone. Thanks to the Dems ability to consistently screw things up, he could be the next prez. Ahoy, Matey!

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-04-21T20:32:00.000-05:00

Reaching For Scraps Now

Is this how we're trying to get votes? Because asking Hillary Clinton about pro wrestling makes about as much sense as asking some random tiger about Frosted Flakes. I saw you on TV! You said this stuff was GRRRREEAT! Why don't you answer me!?!?

In a non-related story, casting for my highly anticipated stuffed animal version of "Singing In The Rain" has begun. So if you want your teddy bear to have a chance at landing Debbie Reynolds' part, better shake a tail feather over here quick, these parts are going fast!

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-04-16T07:39:00.001-05:00

Uncle Sam = Prejudiced Zombie, European Spy

If you haven't finished filling out your taxes this year, good luck because the deadline just passed. Besides, it's better at this point to just assume that Uncle Sam is out to feast upon your children and poop on your yard. Because that's what the taxing process feels like. Of course, it isn't supposed to be that way. But at least the IRS is making it easier this year to oh wait no one cares and I better stop before you fall asleep.

Maybe taxes wouldn't be so bad if we could hook Uncle Sam up with a girl. Just cause he doesn't date doesn't mean that he won't if the right opportunity came along. Ol' Sam has a lot of untapped potential with the ladies. Seriously, he's ~~tall~~ short, ~~dark~~ grey, and ~~handsome~~ looks like a goat. What's not to like? Watch out chicas, there's a new secretary in town! Secretary of State!!2!

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-04-12T22:19:00.000-05:00

New Things

Remember that time you were in a relationship that ended badly so you cut your hair and/or got a new piercing just to shake things up a bit? Really...you never did that? Not even once? Yeah, hmm...well...me neither! Best friends forever, k?!?

Nonetheless, loyal readers will notice some changes around here. Mostly, I'm just sick of looking at the old template. It didn't make you readers feel strong and/or powerful. Plus, it was starting to smell old. I'll be playing around with stuff for the next few days trying to find a something that's easy on the eyes, and gentle towards the heart. Kinda like Mc~~Lovin~~Dreamy. So stay tuned!

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-04-08T15:40:00.000-05:00

Ebay Is Soooo Yesterday

Slowly, but surly Ebay is beginning to lose relevance. Starting last summer there has been a necessary movement away from the internet super-giant. Plenty of people are still using ebay, and that's the problem. You can't get a really great deal there anymore. There are too many people. Ebay used to be a site where you could beat one or two other people on a low price and score whatever it was you wanted. Now, you're competing with one or two hundred other people for the same item, and the prices have skyrocketed. It's not inflation that's driving up the prices, it's unawareness.

Don't fall into that trap! You can still get good deals elsewhere. In fact, you can get better deals elsewhere. Deal News opened my eyes to a different way to online shop. Craigslist is excellent, especially if you live in a city. Amazon is still an extremely viable way to get great prices, and with much less hassle. Many times, if you spend more than $25 on Amazon you get free shipping on whatever items you are ordering. Keep that in mind next time you want to try and score some cheap stuff.

Of course, please don't get amazon.com mixed up with the fan website devoted to my rippling biceps, Manazon.com. Manazon - you won't save a whole lotta money, but you will see a whole lotta muscle! I'm free on Friday, ladies.

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-04-06T21:50:00.000-05:00

Mmm Hmm

I'm so stinking tired right now. It's really a minor miracle that this post is even happening. Don't say I never did anything for you.

Believe it or not, being exhausted is not an ideal situation for blogging. All my thoughts are jumbled and I keep thinking about actually going to bed. I'm kinda afraid to sleep, however. I've been having this dream recently where I'm part of this new fad started by futuristic robots called "Robot Club". Basically, when you sign up to be a part of it you are required to jump to your death off of seven really tall buildings in order to "move-up" to a higher ranking in the club. Despite dying after each jump, the robots have assured the members of the club that you will come back to life in order to advance to the next suicide jump. Thing is, it's all a trick because humans don't really have seven lives to advance to the next jump. So basically, it's a repetitive dream where I have to jump to my death because I got stuck in a cult run by robots.

Pretty messed up, eh? That's why I'm no longer sleeping. Cause of the robots.

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-03-27T17:34:00.000-05:00

Europe = Kikken

This is a European Umbro commercial. It's becoming increasingly obvious that Europe is the best place in the world to live. Looking at a map, there really isn't any country there that I wouldn't want to live in. Except for Poland I guess, and the entire east side of the continent. So pretty much I would only live in England, Ireland or Italy. Is France still even a country? I wasn't sure so I talked to a local police officer, and here's what he had to say:

"Listen man, for the last time - no matter how much you want them to, a dog and a cat cannot give birth to "kuppies". It's scientifically impossible, allright? I don't care how cute you think they would be, just leave me alone and let me do my job, ok?"

Translation: France isn't a country.

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-03-24T15:00:00.000-05:00

Brits Are Smartr Than U.S.

If we had English accents - we could use phrases like 'mollycoddled' and 'knickers' as part of our every day language. Like Simon Pegg (The dude from Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead). Speaking of Simon, he has some interesting theories as to why many actors are bat-crazy. This is what he said to the NY Times:

“I think the reason actors become idiots is because you’re treated so well. You’re driven everywhere, and you’re put up in really nice places. The actors that turn into idiots are the ones that start believing it’s because they deserve it, not because they’re just not trusted, which is the truth. The truth is actors are flaky, unreliable and mostly unstable people, and they need to be mollycoddled at all times.”

To be completely honest with you, I wrote like 7 different endings to this post trying to come up with something witty, and each attempt got progressively worse. So I guess the only option left is to just give up and go on to something far more interesting. Now if you'll excuse me, it's sock puppet night in my laundry room - and a reliable source told me that this is the week that Linda Lefty and Ronald Righty finally kiss! I hope they make ~~out~~ it!

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-03-14T14:59:00.000-05:00

Will The Madness End?

Granted, this video isn't quite as scary as the first one...or is it?!? Oh no...it's the Cloverfield monster!!!

Fred and Sharon are just scary. Not quite The Onion's take on Brett Favre scary, but just plain scary. Despite the fact that they are getting tons of free pub from All Killer...No Filler (editors note: pub is short for publicity), it's safe to assume that Fred and Sharon's movie business isn't making any money. It's not from lack of clients, it's their pricing! They just don't charge a lot for their services. According to me my sources, one guy offered them a polaroid picture of a baby duck instead of cash for a wedding video. Fred accepted the duck as payment, gave it a hug, promised to feed it every day and produced the best darn wedding video ever made! The end.

Many years later, it was revealed that the duck from the picture went on to receive his Doctorate in Medicine from Harvard University. Unfortunately, his family practice folded due to the fact that patients thought he was a quack.

LOL!!!1!!1!!!

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-03-12T08:10:00.000-05:00

Getcha Bling, It's Movie Time

I still can't be 100% sure because the website doesn't work, but as far as I can tell this is absolutely legit. Too bad, because when I watched it I was trying to eat a bagel. Now I don't know if I'll be able to finish. Because my jaw dropped. And I don't know if it'll ever come back up. It's hard to chew like that, you see.

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-03-10T20:55:00.000-05:00

Aaron Rodgers Is Very New Testament

So my beloved Packers don't have Brett Favre anymore. At least the guy they got to replace him bears a striking resemblance to that one gentleman from the Bible. What was his name? He turned water to wine, saved the world from their sins, son of God...you followin' me here?

I suppose it's a good thing that if you're going to try and replace a hall of fame quarterback, you've at least got a good look going for you. I like the look. It says "Hey, I'm REALLY laid back". It's a better look than Jared (not to be confused with the Subway guy) Lorenzen.

Seriously, what's Jared (not to be confused with the Subway guy) been doing? Candy sprinkles as a substitute for water? Butter of the month club? Chocolate covered bacon? I guess that's why they call him "The Hefty Lefty".

I digress back to Mr. Rodgers. Perhaps it isn't a fair comparison, due to Jesus not being white. But if it weren't for Aaron's luscious locks up top I wouldn't have posted today. Because believe it or not, I have more important things to do than update this blog all the time. Like pumping iron. Or joining match.com. Or crying alone in the shower. Yup, very important things. Call me, ladies!

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

Random tangent - Aaron Rodgers is exactly 18 days older than me. Too bad he looks so old. I bet he can't even order happy meals anymore.

2008-03-04T23:12:00.000-06:00

An Original

Last fall, the Packers were scheduled to play a game against the Minnesota Vikings up in the Metrodome. Brett Favre was currently tied with Dan Marino for the all-time touchdown pass record. One more scoring toss, and one of the biggest records in football would fall. I bought a ticket to the game, and screamed my lungs out as history was made in front of me. I'll never forget that moment. For the rest of my life, I can always say that 'I was there when Brett broke the record'. That's why today is a sad day.

What always made it so easy to cheer for Brett is that behind all the records, Super Bowls and MVP's, he's a normal guy. He cuts his own grass. He wears blue jeans. He laughs. He jokes. He has a wife and kids. Unlike most sports stars, Brett's always been a real person. He was about more than football. That's why today is a sad day.

On April 8th of 2006, I woke up at 6:30 AM to watch a press conference where rumor had it Brett was going to announce whether or not to play the upcoming season. The team wasn't very good at the time, and I assumed that Mr. Favre would retire. I was dead wrong. He didn't. He ended up playing two more years, including this past season where he almost led his team to the Super Bowl. That's why today is a sad day.

3 MVP's. 2 Super Bowls. Countless records for yards and touchdowns and starts and wins and who knows what else. That's why today is a sad day.

Very few superstar athletes play sports for the right reasons. Very few superstar athletes play sports like they did when they were still kids. Very few superstar athletes can connect with the common fan. That's why today is a sad day.

After that news conference back in April 2006, I wrote about Brett Favre. Out of all the posts I've ever written, I'm still most proud of that one. I remember my friend Doug telling me that he didn't like that post because it was impossible to present a counter argument without "looking like a jerk." The thing is, even if you've always cheered against Brett - you have to respect him and the things that he's done on and off the field. The fact of the matter is that sports are more important with Brett Favre. That's why today is a sad day.

My grandpa and I are Packers fans. Every time I talked to grandpa, we would talk about the Packers. And Brett Favre. After Brett threw that famous overtime touchdown pass on Monday Night against Denver, grandpa was the first person I saw. I was visiting him in Tucson, Arizona. He was sick with cancer, and couldn't move too well - but you wouldn't have known it from talking to him. He was like a little kid on Christmas talking about Brett throwing that winning touchdown pass. For those of you who don't know already, my grandpa passed away just last week. Any time someone loses a family member, it's sad. But every time I watch that long pass floating off of Brett's arm - I will remember where I was. In Tucson, visiting grandpa. That's why today is a sad day.

Thanks Brett.

Thanks.

2008-02-23T09:59:00.000-06:00

Not To Get Your Hopes Up...

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0901469/.

Since they've got a page on imdb, doesn't that mean something?

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-02-21T19:12:00.000-06:00

Sick As A Dawg

Runny nose, sore throat, swollen glands - you name it and I've got it right now. Yet, when I woke up this morning I was totally fine. I'm no Doctologist, but it isn't normal for illness to manifest itself so suddenly without some sort of outside influence. So, I took a gander into the mirror and asked my pale green reflection what I did to get into this present state. Have I not been dressing properly to handle the frozen elemints? Did I kiss any less than reputable women's today (editors note: a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell) (editors note: see how I pluralized women?...hehehe). Or, rather, was it something that I ate?

Ahh...suddenly it made sense! The pale green reflection in the mirror looked back at me with a look of self realization - kinda like Mr. Yuck looks right before doing whatever he is doing in THIS picture.

Perhaps by reading the story, it would make more sense...

Earlier in the day I went on a recruiting trip to a magical kingdom known as ~~Mr. Bojangles Tiki Bar~~ Sioux Falls. My mission? To recruit as many people as possibly between the hours of 10:00 and 1:30. Since the alloted time of my mission directly interfered with my normal lunchtime regimen, it became critical to consume some sort of snack before commencing with said recruiting. Enter the Burger King on Minnesota Avenue. This became the only option for a meal due to the fact that a) it was currently 9:55 and b) it was right next to where I needed to be. So, after ~~panicked~~ careful consideration, I chose the breakfast burrito.

All Killer...No Filler has long been a ~~starch?~~ staunch supporter of burritos in all of their glorious forms, until TODAY when all of my symptoms can be traced back directly to the exact moment that this burrito made contact with my lips. I've never gone from "best day of my life" to "I just got donkey kicked in the trachea" so quickly.

You'd think there would be a moral to this story, but alas there is none. You see, like a horribly mismatched yet utterly dependent couple - my love for the burrito will probably keep me from learning my lesson. You can tell me I deserve better, that I could simply look for a different kind of food to satisfy my hunger. You might even offer to hook me up with your friend, tuna sandwich, who will treat me more like a man and less like a human e coli factory. But at the end of the day, that warm, soft, seductive tortilla shell will have probably sucked me into another spiral of self-destruction. Don't cry for me. I have no one to blame but myself. And I know it.

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-02-13T17:23:00.000-06:00

Must...Remember...To...Breathe...

"I collect spores, molds and fungus"

"You don't seem like a scientist, you're more like a game show host"

"I find her interesting because she sleeps above her covers...4 feet above her covers"

"Ray, when someone asks if you are a god...you say yes!"

"Why worry? Each of us is carrying an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on his back"

"Look at all the junk food...you actually eat this stuff?"

"Cats and dogs! Living together! Mass hysteria!"

"I wanted to write this whole party off as a business expense. That's why I invited clients instead of friends"

"Somebody blows their nose and you want to keep it?"

"There is no Dana...only Zuel"

"Your girlfriend occupies the corner penthouse of spook central"

"Someone get that guy a nice fruit basket. I'm gonna miss him!"

"Ok, who brought the dog?"

"I'm the gatekeeper"

"I'm Vince Corthos, keymaster of Gozer"

"Choose and perish"

"If there's a steady paycheck in it, I'll believe anything you want"

"Light is green, trap is clean"

"This magnificent feast right here represents the last of the petty cash"

"I'll take Ms. Barrett back to her apartment and check her out. I mean, I'll check out Ms. Barrett's apartment"

"We picked up this guy, I don't know what to do with him and you guys are into this kinda stuff"

Keep in mind, I've come up with these quotes right off the top of my head, and I'm only choosing to stop where I did because you get the point. Some people say that they can quote an entire movie because they ~~heart~~ love it so much...but I would stake my knowledge of Ghostbusters against you or anyone you know. It's hard to fathom how a movie released in 1984 (when I wasn't even a year old) can have such a profound and cultural effect on who I am today. If this movie had not been made, it's safe to say I'd probably be watching old reruns of Family Ties in my parents basement while eating raw cookie dough with my fingers (as opposed to now, when I use a spoon). I don't care if my nerd factor just went up - I will be buying this game the day it comes out. I might even buy it for the Wii (which I don't actually own) just so I can be in control of the proton pack.

Just so you know - the ENTIRE cast has signed on to do the game, including Bill Murray (who has previously been against revisiting the GB franchise). I'm so excited I could wet my pants. And I will. So there............much better.

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-02-11T20:27:00.000-06:00

Bowling Balls In The Balls

The best part about this video is that even though you can guess exactly what's going to happen after the first round, you're still pleasantly surprised at each new outcome. Still, you know what would have put this video over the top? If the guy that's launching the bowling ball would have taken a turn with the pin on his head. What makes him so special that he can hide back behind the slingshot all day? Hey buddy, Wismp City called and they want their 's' back.

I should let you know that there is some minor swearing during this video...and knowing is half the battle!

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-02-01T16:32:00.000-06:00

Finally...Something We Can All Agree On

Part of my job as a blogger (editors note: job?) is to point out little ways to make life more enriching. Lets say you're about to fork over a hard earned $7.00 to the movie theater, but you're not sure what to see. How about if underneath the marquee, there is a sign (like the one above...see it? Right above you! Try some glasses...two eyes...) that will warn you of what you're about to get into. Wouldn't you feel better knowing someone's got your back?

Of course, I use the term 'got your back' loosely. I haven't trusted anyone since my lawyer suggested I plead guilty to distributing chewing tobacco minors. "Don't worry," he said. "The jury will be lenient. I got your back, trust me." Whatever, man! Turns out a guilty plea, even when combined with rock hard abs and a thirst for justice, will still get you 6 months in a minimum security prison.

Just for the record, it wasn't tobacco - it was hugs. And they weren't minors - they were puppies. It looks like the only thing I'm truly guilty of is loving too much.

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-01-22T18:26:00.000-06:00

Post Two...Ohhh...One

To celebrate another hundred posts (201 and counting - without steroids), it's time for a dip into the ol' mailbag.

So I'm in the shopping mall the other day...and I'm waiting in line at the Cinnabon, cause I like them ever so much. It's a really busy day, I've been waiting for a while. All of a sudden, this lady cuts in front of me. She says that she needs to eat something right away because she has low blood sugar and feels like she's going to pass out. So I says to her "LOL, you ain't my BFF...step off before you get pwned!" The lady goes to the back of the line. Whew!

Finally, I get my Cinnabon. Since I'm a nice guy, I figured I'd find this lady and give her a bite of my Cinnabon so she doesn't go crazy....but when I found her at the back of the line she was passed out! I can't just leave her like that in the middle of the mall, so I went through her purse to try and find out who she was to call someone. That's when the mall security arrived and started asking questions. So I says to them "Lol, you ain't my BFF...step off before you get pwned!". Anyway...I'm in jail now, can I borrow $500 to make bail?

Diggy Digg Wallters in Land O' Bunch O' Lakes

In a word...no.

I think I speak for all of your readers when I ask, why don't you like rye bread?

Jackquii in the Waitor-lou area

Good question. The dislike of rye bread comes from my childhood when my a loaf of rye bread set fire to my family's swimming pool. Ever since, All Killer...No Filler has actively campaigned against rye bread in all forms. In fact, if you'd like to help promote rye bread awareness, you can join the AARP (Americans Against Rye Products).

But seriously. It just tastes bad.

I'm going to enter a checkers tournament next week. Which color is more intimidating, black or red?

HilesGrausch.com

It seems like black would be more intimidating. Probably because black represents the unknown. Black represents finality, like it's all over and you don't stand a chance. Only a select few people can handle the black. Think about it; Dark scary nights. Black licorice. Batman. All of those things make a pretty compelling argument that black is the more intimidating color. But it's not. It's red.

Well friends, that's gonna do it for tonight. Keep those e-mails a-comin!

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-01-21T13:39:00.000-06:00

Thank You Sir, May I Have Another?

Ok, lets just cut right to the chase. Green Bay lost. New York won. As you would probably imagine, I'm not exactly thrilled about the outcome. That being said, the Giants came to play and got the job done. This wasn't a case of bad calls or fluke plays. The Giants played the better game, and deserved to win. If my Packers had pulled it off (when they had numerous chances to), they would have gotten away with one. The right to go to the Super Bowl must be earned, and Green Bay didn't do it. Does that make the season a failure? No. Not even close. This season was amazing from beginning to end. 13-3? Awesome. Broken records galore? Awesome. Hosting the NFC championship game? A-W-E-S-O-M-E.

Now that the Super Bowl is upon us, I've got to figure out a way to put this game behind me so that I can start pulling for the Giants to upset the Patriots. Screw you, Tom Brady, with your NFL records and stylish good looks. Despite my *man-crush on Mr. Brady, I'm pulling for the Giants upset.

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

* Man-crush: When a straight man has a "crush" on another man. For example, Tom Brady. In no way is the relationship romantic in nature. Unless dinner is involved. And the lights have been dimmed, except for the warm blue candle light. Maybe some Coltrane playing softly in the background. I always imagine that Tom makes the first move too. I mean...uhh...crap... Tobacco and Ice Fishing!!!

2008-01-17T15:18:00.000-06:00

*Sniff*...

Growing up in Des Moines, we never got to create parodies of Christmas carols for any local sports heroes. Mainly because there weren't any. The closest "sports hero" event that ever took place was that one time when Michael Jordan was in the ~~Red~~ White Sox farm system and was scheduled to play a AAA game against the Iowa Cubs. People freaked out, trying to find tickets to see this once in a lifetime NBA star on the baseball diamond. Turns out, Jordan was so bad the ~~Red~~ White Sox demoted him down to AA before the game actually arrived. Worst. Letdown. Ever.

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-01-13T13:30:00.000-06:00

What A Week...

Most weeks are strange, but this week takes the proverbial ~~monkey~~ cake. I'd like to thank With Leather for alerting me to all of this weirdness.

I don't really know what the most off the wall story is...The dude catching a swordfish barehanded and the chocolate lab shooting a man are a mere appetizer to this mess of a week. Next you got the dad who threw his four kids off a bridge, or the two adopted twins who were reunited -- in marriage, or the guy who accidentally hanged himself, or the kid who glued himself to his bed to avoid school, or the guy who cooked and ate his girlfriend.

Please, friends...take it easy this week, will ya?

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-01-09T14:28:00.000-06:00

Can't Wait Till This Weekend?

Giants over COWBOYS - It's simple...someone needs to go John Henderson on Tony Romo. Otherwise, the Cowboys will lose. Since I doubt that anyone will slap him silly, it's better to just assume a loss is in the works. You see, I've been told that when you date hot pop stars the off-season can't come soon enough.

Jaguars over PATRIOTS - Shady Brady and the lot haven't looked very good the past month. The Jags are pumped up, and that's enough for me. Biggest upset ever? Sure, why not?

COLTS over Chargers - As much as I hope San Diego pulls it off, I don't feel good about this one. Not since Phillip Rivers turned into Rex Grossman.

Every Team Ever (including Seattle) over PACKERS - I will continue doing as I've done since mid-November, and pick against Green Bay no matter what.

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2008-01-06T10:31:00.001-06:00

New Job Opportunity!

It's not so much that I wouldn't mind being paid to be a 6-7 giant block of brawn, but I think it's safe to say that the little tiny dude on the right has the best job in the world. He's like a (editors note: c-c-c-razy) mongoose and the other guy is a cobra. This is just like that story where the lion got a piece of wood stuck in his paw, and he needed the little mouse to remove it for him. At first the lion thanked the mouse because he was happy, but if I remember right later on the lion got hungry and the mouse became his meal. At least that's how I think it ended. I guess the moral of the story is that maybe this little white dude should watch his back...before a lion eats him.

Oh...and one more sidenote. Every time he asks for 'blood through 'da mouth', a big part of me wants to pull a France and run away.

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2007-12-26T16:56:00.000-06:00

So It Was All A Tease

I thought it'd be this great idea to actually finish this Doom Kitten's Holiday Blues story. Turns out I'm not quite as devoted as I thought. I had an ending in mind, but rather than actually take the time to type it all out (since we're already past Christmas), I'm just gonna go ahead and tell you.

Here was what I had planned:

Assuming you went to the Reel Big Fish myspace page and watched the pre-show ritual video, you would have noticed that Aaron Barrett takes 10 shots straight out of his Less Than Jake shot glass. FYI - Aaron says at the end of the video that the shots he's taking are just water. NE-way, since that very same shot glass was found at the scene of the crime...it would be logical to deduce that Aaron was involved, either by taking the Teddy Ruxpin, or being an accomplice. The key was when Aaron said that his dressing room was dirty and dusty. Dirt and dust?!?!? Who could that be?!?!?

A further interrogation of Dust Bunny takes place, and Sea Hag confesses. She forced Aaron Barrett to take the Teddy Ruxpin in his passed out state, and return it to her so that Doom Kitten would be miserable on Christmas day.

Yokel Cooter hears about what happened, and gets really mad, and organizes a riot to return the Ruxpin to its rightful owner. After this has been completed, Doom Kitten is happy, Dust Bunny is sad, and justice has been served.

Of course...I didn't update every day like I planned...and therefore you get the brief recap of how it ends. Kinda lame, right? Next time I need to remember to make my epic saga's only like...4 chapters long. I guess that's why I'd be a much better children's author than adult novelist. Children's books are easy and fast, and don't even really need a plot. In fact, here's a brief preview of my upcoming children's book, The Big Plant - A kid grows a plant and in the end the plant turns into candy. That can't be any stranger than the book about a mouse who wants a cookie, and ends up with the entire Louisiana Purchase. The end.

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

2007-12-22T19:23:00.000-06:00

Doom Kitten's Holiday Blues Chapter 8 - 3 Days Till Christmas

Yeah, that's me in the sweet shirt up above. See it? Eh? Meh? You know I'm looking good. So, you wanna know about that one Christmas Eve, hmm? Well, I remember finishing up the set we were doing, and I went back to the dressing room. I was grabbing all of my personal items, before someone snuck up behind me and put a cloth up to my face...I struggled as long as I could, but eventually I passed out! The next thing I remember was waking up back in my tour bus, and I was really dirty. In fact...there was dirt and dust all over the place. I felt allright, so I figured it was just some kinda crazy party night. I checked the bands myspace page (www.myspace.com/reelbigfish), and then got ready to go back home to celebrate the holidays and finish up songs for the new record. That's all I got. Really. Oh, and my favorite shot glass was gone! I always used it for a pre-show ritual! Our myspace page explains it all. Oh well, I got another one, cause when you're a rich rock-star the world does whatever you want!

Everyone Who Looks Like Me Is My Friend,

Aaron Barrett

Do the clues start to paint a picture of evil? Is swiss cheese from Switzerland? Can Tony Romo be any more annoying? Stay tuned to find the answers! We're almost there!

2007-12-20T22:39:00.000-06:00

Doom Kitten's Holiday Blues Chapter 7 - 5 Days Till Christmas

I don'ts got much ta say. I just gone figured that you'd wanna know about that Christmas morning. Tell ya da truth...everthing seemed normal, but then I went to the livin' room where Doom Kitten an' me kept the Christmas tree, an while I was lookin' for a good place to hang my new gun rack, I finds me a "Less Than Jake" shot glass filled wit water. At furst I thought it was some kinda liquor (I gets excited!), but turns out it is only water (still excited...but not like it was). Who'd fill a perfectly good shot glass with that stuff?, but so be it.

Now, ah don't know what a "Less Than Jake" shot glass means, but if it helps y'all out, then I'm happy.

Don't Spend It All In Once Place,

Yokel Cooter

Who is Less Than Jake, and what does their shot glass have to do with this story? Why was the shot glass filled with water? Harrison Ford? Find out tomorrow on Doom Kitten's Holiday Blues Saga!

2007-12-18T18:47:00.000-06:00

Doom Kitten's Holiday Blues Chapter 6 - 7 Days Till Christmas

SPECIAL RECAP EDITION

Doom Kitten has been one crabby tabby ever since his #1 Christmas present was stolen from him on Christmas day. Since that time, he has been attempting to drink enough egg nog to keep from focusing on the holiday season. He is upset because of the loss of his favorite toy ever, Teddy Ruxpin. According to Yokel Cooter (who claims to have been with Doom Kitten that day), DK did in fact receive the talking bear that morning. However, as Doom Kitten would later testify, sometime in the evening it was taken from him. Authorities naturally assumed that #1 villain Dust Bunny Sea-Hag was involved in some way. After interrogating Dust Bunny, the Hag claims innocence. She even went on to provide pictures of Aaron Barrett (from Christmas Eve when she attended a Reel Big Fish concert), and Christmas Day (when she traveled in a wooden shoe to the Land Of Nod in order to check out some real estate). But if Dust Bunny didn't take the bear, then who did?!?

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

Will there be a resolution to this Christmas CATastrophe? Are there enough clues already to figure out this puzzle? Are socks and sandals really that bad? Find out on ~~WEDNESDAY~~ THURSDAY (in honor of the writers strike we'll be taking a day off) when Doom Kitten's Holiday Blues continues!

2007-12-17T21:46:00.000-06:00

Doom Kitten's Holiday Blues Chapter 5 - 8 Days Till Christmas

Oh, sure...of course you want to blame me! Something bad happens, blame the hag! Just because I'm dusty and from the sea. So are starfish, and no one cares about them! Do you have a shred of evidence that connects me to any of the events that happened that Christmas morning? Why should I even care about little stupid kitten's little stupid bear? I'll have it put on the record, I never took anything from anyone that day. It just so happens that I was on a voyage to the Land of Nod when the incident took place. After attending a Reel Big Fish concert on Christmas Eve, I left in a wooden shoe to evaluate a plot of land where I would like to build my retirement home. Yes, someday I'll retire...when I've gone and shut down this crappy blog. Seriously, I can't believe that you still read this thing. You should be ashamed of yourself. On and on and on about football...zombies...aliens...wtf, man? There are wars being fought, children in need of maps, people who suffer through cold sleepless nights, and you sit there all high and mighty like you're some kind of prince on a toilet that is too tall to reach. Oh, and since you insist on blaming me, here's some photographic proof that I was where I said I was. I took these pictures, of Aaron Barrett's melodic voice on Christmas Eve and in my wooden show off to the Land of Nod on Christmas Day. So don't try any funny stuff. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, well..you can't fool me again!

Good Night and Good Luck,

Dust Bunny Sea Hag

Could it truly be that Dust Bunny Sea-Hag's hands are clean? Why would anyone travel anywhere in a wooden shoe? Can you reach the top of that giant toilet? The answers to these questions (except the giant toilet one) and more coming in tomorrows edition of Doom Kitten's Holiday Blues!

2007-12-16T15:51:00.001-06:00

Doom Kitten's Holiday Blues Chapter 4 - 9 Days Till Christmas

Yes, YES! I have found the nog! Oh, sweet sweet egg nog...only you have the power to rid me from my Christmas time doldrums! So...I see that you have heard of my infatuation with that bear, Teddy Ruxpin. I take it you spoke with Yokel Cooter? Yes, if you understood what he said (which I find difficult most of the time), you now know that I wanted the Ruxpin as a Christmas time gift. That bear's melodic voice was soothing to me in my youth. Twas many a night that I would yearn to hear him singing to me as I slipped off into the land of nod. Of course, it wasn't meant to be. I was a good little boy all year long, with the hopes that the Red Claws man would bring Ruxpin to me. You see, I heard rumor that the Red Claws man rewards good behavior, and sure enough I found the gift wrapped singing grizzly underneath our family's pine tree. Oh, the joy I felt as I opened the wrapping paper to reveal his wondrous brown fur! Yet, Ruxpin wasn't with me for long. He was abducted from me later that evening, much to my dismay! I cried and cried as I longed for the return of the singing bear. Unfortunately, I was never allowed the opportunity to play with Ruxpin, as he was never returned to me. Was my childhood ruined? In a word...yes. Now, I believe I've said enough. Allow me to consume my nog in peace...I said leave me be!

Don't Spend It All In One Place,

Doom Kitten

What or who would have taken the Teddy Ruxpin from Doom Kitten at an early age? Was Doom Kitten really a good boy all year long, or is there something he isn't telling us in his drunken egg nog state? Is that the worst photoshop job ever? Find out tomorrow in chapter 5 of Doom Kitten's Holiday Blues!

2007-12-15T10:26:00.000-06:00

Doom Kitten's Holiday Blues Chapter 3 - 10 Days Till Christmas

Due to computer issues (I deleted the original and couldn't find it), All Killer...No Filler was forced to dig deep into the photo directory to come up with this stock image of a much younger Yokel Cooter. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.

Now I's ain't here ta kiss 'n tell. Just ain't classy. But if I do be rememberin' right, it all start'd back in da hayday a my pursonal hero, Mr. Billy Ray Cyrus. Now, if dat ain't the best music you herd in a coon's age, you gots another thing comin to ya. An-way, Doom Kitten, back before dat firestick that he got had wanted 'imself some kinda grizzly bear that sang dem songs that he liked. Forget da name...Griz'ly Rump? Naw, that aint true. It wuz somethin bout a rump...skin! Rumpskin! Naw...ruxpin! Dat's 'is name! Teddy Ruxpin! Doom Kitten lik'd that bear, and had 'im at the top of 'is gift list. Don't know why he wanted that darn grizzly so bad. You ask me, a clean pair of the underwears good nuff for da holidays. After all, one good pair of that underwears last you through summer I reckon. So dere ya be.

Wishin' Y'all Da Best,

Yokel Cooter

Does Yokel Cooter really wear just one pair of underwear half the year? Did Doom Kitten receive his Teddy Ruxpin on Christmas morning so many years ago? Will there be a Ghostbusters 3? Find out tomorrow in Chapter 4 of Doom Kitten's Holiday Blues!

2007-12-14T13:27:00.000-06:00

Doom Kitten's Holiday Blues Chapter 2 - 11 Days till Christmas

You're probably wondering where all of my angst comes from. I can assure you, the reason for my anti-holiday sentiment comes not from fruitcake, mistletoe or tinsel. Rather...my anger fountains from a series of events that have indeed shaped who I am to this very day. I tell you this tale not to invoke your pity. Who needs pity when I have the firestick?!? HAHA!! Watch this video, and yule see why I shudder at the sound of all things holiday. Wait...I said yule. Blast it all! Where is that infernal nog?!?

Don't Spend It All At Once,

Doom Kitten

What role does a seemingly innocent Teddy Ruxpin play in what truly is a dark holiday past? Will Doom Kitten ever find the egg nog? Will holligregg.com ever become hollirausch.com? Find out tomorrow in chapter 3 of Doom Kitten's Holiday Blues!

2007-12-13T15:26:00.000-06:00

Doom Kitten's Holiday Blues Chapter One - 12 Days till Christmas

I wanna party. Not just a little bit, a whole lot. I wanna go all out and have one of those "I ate the whole cake in one sitting!" kind of parties. The kind where you drink way more than your share of egg nog and wake up three days later wearing a Hawaiian shirt and smelling like old tuna. Why do I want to do this, you ask? Because tis the season! You see, unless I'm mistaken this is the season of dancing sugarplum fairies and sweet sweet gummy drops, is it not? The season of tripped out flying reindeer and over sized red foot appendages hanging near the chimney with care? HAHA! What say you, now? I'm on to this charade...and I won't stand for it any longer! So give me the nog, and lets get on with it. Bah humbug.

Don't Spend It All At Once,

Doom Kitten

Will Doom Kitten's holiday be ruined by excessive egg nog consumption, or will he discover the true meaning of Christmas? Will Dust Bunny Sea-Hag make an appearance? Will Jenny ever reconcile that tricky bank statement? Does anybody actually enjoy rye bread? Find out tomorrow in Doom Kitten's Holiday Blues chapter 2!

2007-12-10T23:00:00.000-06:00

December 11th, 2007

Dear United States of America,

We are a nation that has been torn apart. This next Presidential election, for better or worse, will write a new chapter in the history of America. It will determine the direction of this great country, as we face new challenges as a leading nation throughout the globe. While promises have been made, and accusations have been thrown around, the public is divided between many worthy candidates. People always ask me, why do you want to be President? Truthfully, it isn't because I really WANT to be President. In reality, it's more like what Chuck wants. I can't sit here and say that I even seriously considered running for office...I thought that everyone was tired of the Arkansas governor runnin' for office. But one day I got a phone call and lemme tell you, when Chuck says jump...you jump. When Chuck says eat those veggies...you eat the veggies. When Chuck says get out of bed and shut down the IRS...well...you get the idea. The point is, do you really wanna vote for a well to do white collar commander in chic, or do you want someone who knows how to get the job done? Who isn't afraid to get their hands dirty? Who wouldn't mind taking on the IRS with just an aim-n-flame and can of hairspray? If so, then vote for me this January. And may the Chuck be with you.

We're all in this together,

Mike Chuckabee

2007-12-07T08:33:00.001-06:00

......Tobias?

I don't know what the heck he's talking about for the first couple of seconds. Kinda sounds like Tobias Funke. But that last part got me so excited that I shot cheerios out of my nose!*

Truly, Madly, Deeply,

Bryan

*Did not actually shoot cheerios out of nose

2007-12-04T19:02:00.000-06:00

Jake And The Fat Man

Due to the writers strike, I won't be able to watch any new episodes of Heroes for a long long time. It's too bad, because I've been kinda addicted to it for a while now. I really wish someone would step in and take control...someone in California...someone with political power...someone who knows a thing or two about making movies and television...someone intimidatingly muscular...someone who won't take your crap, 'he'll be back' for more...

...but what kind of superhero could possibly fit that description? Yes, I'm thinking of Don Knotts too. Unfortunately, he's recently passed away, and unless you wanna help me find him to administer this 'anti-death' serum I've been developing (I call it The Morning After(life) pill), perhaps we should just give up TV and start focusing on things that matter. Like re~~storing the value of the American Dollar~~ whether or not this baby looks like Tom Hanks. Or does Tom Hanks look like this baby? See what I mean? I'm stumped...I guess it really is a complicated issue!

Truly, Madly Deeply,

Bryan